One day Tina loses her cool and ends up blaming Taniya for not being a good parent. The reason? Taniya missed the parents-teacher meeting, yet again. She has gone through a hectic day and is left with no patience to deal with Tina's emotions. Furious, she grabs her phone and locks herself in the bathroom. She quickly Googles, "I feel resentful towards my kid and miss my life before I had her." A sudden realization prevents her from going through the search results. She is beyond disappointed in herself. Her eyes moisten before she bursts into tears. Her work life has been a lot demanding lately and she is failing to carry out her responsibilities as a parent.
Two rooms away her husband, Rahul, scrolls through the news feed, his mind preoccupied with questions he dare not ask anyone. Not even Taniya.
His life now revolves around Tina's school fees, the ever-changing uniform of her school, quarrels due to unattended parent-teacher meetings, or the frequent visits to the pediatrician. The additional work pressure has been stressing him out lately and all he needs is a sound sleep, which he had to sacrifice for a few days to complete his daughter's school project. He mentally entrusts this night's parental duty on Taniya and closes his eyes, hoping for no disturbance.
Neither one of them looks like a perfect parent right now. One parent is feeling extremely guilty for admitting some harsh confession to her own self. The other parent feels too tired to even soothe the troubled kid outside his room.
When life can have ups and downs, why shall parenting be any different?
"Is it okay to miss the life before having kids?"
For some people, a family is the center of everything. Perhaps, they may not have had the chance to travel, build a career, or spend years figuring out who they are outside of a household. If they hear someone say that they miss the life before having kids, they may immediately start antagonizing them.
But for others, particularly couples who spent years building careers, cultivating friendships, and chasing personal ambitions before becoming parents, the shift can be overwhelming. Their dreams don't vanish the day a child is born.
It is absolutely normal to miss the life where they only spent time pursuing their dreams, rather than taking responsibilities of other people.
Modern couples tend to delay parenthood until they feel financially and emotionally ready. They picture a perfect life for their kids which instills high expectations in their mind, that is, juggling a demanding career and a family life. And when these expectations are not met, they feel like a failure.
Psychologists have even studied this tendency as "parenting perfectionism." In a 2005 study, William Snell, Gail Overbey and Lauren Brewer examined how perfectionistic expectations operate within the parenting role. Their findings showed that parenting perfectionism was associated with aspects of parenting style, parenting satisfaction and parent-child bonding.
But the problem begins when "I want to do my best" quietly becomes "I must never get it wrong."
"I secretly enjoy work more than being at home"
Many parents feel the most like themselves when they're out for work. For them, office may feel like a place where dedication and passion is valued, whereas their household environment is just an energy-draining machine. They encounter various challenges at work, which when solved, will remain solved, unlike the piles of tasks at home which, no matter how many times is catered to, resets every morning.
A parent can look forward to Monday mornings and feel guilty inside, debating whether they're selfish or just a normal human with priorities. Mothers are naturally entrusted to take care of the young. They are expected to give more importance to parenthood and family-bonding than their dreams. A father is expected to ensure his family's financial stability and also, be emotionally present for them at all times. Both of them may suffocate doing what's expected of them, while secretly wishing for the things that make them feel alive.
A simple Google search can rid them of this emotional turmoil. The search results are generally reassuring.
Thousands of parents feel the same way. Enjoying your work doesn't mean you love your family less. It means you're a person with needs that exist outside of home or parenthood. It's a need for purpose, autonomy, and professional fulfilment. Meeting those needs often makes someone a better parent when they return, not a worse one.
"I don't feel bonded to my baby the way I'm supposed to."
There is another confession that rarely makes it into polite conversations about new parenthood: "I don't feel bonded to my baby."
Many new mothers choose to keep it a secret, but a couple of times they've Googled similar questions while in their postpartum phase.
A mother feeds her baby, changes the diapers, wakes up at night to meet the baby's needs, checks the temperature, worries every time the baby cries, and yet, she can't feel the overwhelming tenderness for the baby, which everyone promises to feel just after birth.
The idea that a parent should immediately feel an overwhelming bond with their newborn is not as straightforward as popular culture often makes it seem. A 2024 study by Lela Rankin, Haley Krouskop and Maryanne Fisher studied 75 young mothers and found that experiences of attachment immediately after birth varied considerably. The researchers found that the mother-infant connection could strengthen through caregiving and experience over time, rather than appearing as an automatic instinct at birth.
Reasons like hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, and a strange feeling about the new identity can delay the attachment a mother craves with the young one. Any negative event in the past like suffering from a miscarriage, can severely affect the emotional well being of the mother, causing her to avoid getting emotionally bonded to the baby even before giving birth. At times like this, seeking help from family or professionals can help the new mother embrace the difficult times and slowly recover through the process.
One she overcomes this phase, the baby sleeping peacefully on her chest, will feel like the greatest treasure of her life.
"I feel resentful towards my child sometimes."
After a hectic day of work, when the parents finally return home for rest, they are met with the tantrums of their young one. One can take a leave from the job, but not from parenting.
Children can be defiant, ungrateful and demanding. They may turn out to be the opposite of what you wish they were. And such uncomfortable truths can cause you grief, which is natural, but first you have to accept that you are disappointed in them and parenting is not as easy as it seems.
The next step will be to relax and communicate about your feelings. Take a walk in the neighborhood, strike up conversations with your old friends, engage in activities you love, watch your favorite show. The anger slowly fades and the chaotic atmosphere in the house, eventually dissolves. Then comes the right time to think of the qualities in your child that you're grateful for. Also ask yourself if your ways of tackling your child is inadvertently controlling or negative. Find the correct time to re-connect with your child and let them know about your feelings. Make your child do some chores or run errands. Make them take responsibility of their own school tasks. Keep them busy. In the meantime, prioritize your leisure time. Get the rest you deserve.
Why do these uncomfortable thoughts bring parents so much shame?
New mothers are generally taught about parenting by their own mother, mother-in-law, relatives and several other people experienced in this field. However, these days a new mother is exposed to various instructions about parenting shared by strangers online.
This creates unrealistic standards compelling a new mother to achieve them in order to feel satisfied with her parenting skills.
Instructions can range from organic meals and screen-time limits to emotional boundaries and enrichment activities.
Parents struggle to do all these while working, managing household tasks, maintaining relationships and finding time for themselves. This can lead to severe burnout.
In a 2017 study published in Frontiers in Psychology, Isabelle Roskam, Marie-Emilie Raes and Moïra Mikolajczak studied parental burnout in two samples of parents and identified exhaustion, feeling ineffective and emotional distancing as important components of the experience.
If a parent loses their patience, serves an ordinary dinner, allow extra screen time on a busy day, miss a school activity, they can still be a loving and responsible parent.
But perfectionism can make ordinary mistakes feel much bigger than they are. It can result in unnecessary negativity and shame.
When comparison makes things worse
Social media can make parenting look like a carefully planned project. One family appears to have nutritious homemade meals every day while another spends weekends doing educational activities. Someone's child seems to be learning faster and getting better grades, while others are doing great at sports. The content creators generally post the videos highlighting the positive aspects of parenting ensuring engagements, while the harsh realities stay hidden behind the lens.
Comparison can create the feeling that everyone else is managing parenting better, or simply, living their life better.
A parent may start thinking, "Maybe I am not a good enough parent."
And once a parent starts measuring themselves against an impossible standard, doing more does not necessarily make the guilt disappear. It just sets a new standard for the parent to achieve.
Are guilty parents actually doing something wrong?
Guilt, in small doses can sometimes be useful. If a parent hurts their child or behaves in a way they later regret, guilt can encourage them to reflect, apologize and repair the relationship.
But guilt can also become disconnected from actual wrongdoing.
A parent can feel guilty for working late even when working provides their family with financial security. They can feel guilty for needing an hour alone. They can feel guilty for not playing with their child every evening. They can feel guilty for getting tired.
None of these things automatically make someone a bad parent.
Ask yourself: "Am I doing enough?" or "Am I expecting myself to do the impossible?"
"How do I know whether I'm a good parent?"
You do not have to love every moment of parenthood to be a good parent. You do not have to feel grateful every day, stay patient every day or put your own needs aside every day. You are allowed to feel tired, frustrated, overwhelmed and even lost sometimes.
What matters is that you notice what you are feeling and give yourself the same compassion you give your child.
Being a good parent does not mean being a perfect parent. It means being a human being who keeps showing up, even on the difficult days.
Before you close this article, pause for a moment. Have you ever experienced any of these feelings?
☐ I have felt resentful toward my child.
☐ I have missed my life before becoming a parent.
☐ I have not always felt the instant bond with my child that I expected.
☐ I have sometimes enjoyed being at work more than being at home.
☐ I have lost my temper with my child and felt guilty afterward.
☐ I have sometimes wanted to be completely alone, without anyone touching me or needing anything from me.
☐ I have sometimes felt relieved when my child went to school.
☐ I have sometimes wondered why parenting does not always feel like the happiest time of my life.
If you quietly ticked "yes" to even one of these, know that you are not alone.
If something in this article made you stop and think, "I thought I was the only one," perhaps that is the most important thing to remember.
You are not alone. And asking for help does not make you a bad parent. It makes you a parent who cares.
Your child does not need a perfect parent. They need a parent who is present, supported and human.
Satyendra Kumar Singh is a Career Strategist, Corporate Trainer, and Startup Mentor with over 23 years of experience guiding entrepreneurs from idea to execution across India.
